Places

It’s all quiet in here. The walls have once again become bare of memories; this room has once again turned into a four walled shelter. All the pictures and the cards that always decorated these walls have been packed away. All my clothes are now folded, not so neatly, in a suitcase ready to be taken to a new place. My diaries and poems are already on way to where my footsteps would soon lead. Everything is done. And now all I do is wait.

Wait for a new day to begin. I have always hated leaving, because I’ve never known where I was heading. Even with a destination in mind, I have always ended up taking detours I have never planned for. I guess that’s what makes the journey: unexpected turns and stops. But for someone who had always loved control the way I have, this is nothing short of pure agony. I always like plans, well thought out actions. Although so far I have accepted and at times embraced these various detours, a part of me longs for stability. I want to know that the ground beneath my feet is strong enough to hold the weight of my dreams and I want to know where I would go, I can make place for those dreams.

In the new place, I will inhabit another bare room. I will once again paste the cards on my wall, put the photo frame right next to my bed side table. I will once again convert a four wall shelter into my safe haven. That’s what I have always done. And I don’t think I can live without creating some sense of semblance around me. I am not scared of that. All that scares me is the thought that, the place I am heading to is yet another detour I hadn’t plan. It’s not my destination, I don’t know how far my destination is. I know I’ll reach there at some point. But I wonder how much of me or my dreams would be intact by the time I go there.

I have already shed so much of me in all those places I have been. I just can’t keep going through this continual process of breaking myself apart. But I have to. And so I will.

I will close my eyes and when I open them tomorrow, it will be a new day, a new place. And tomorrow I’ll still be a little of what I am today. So I will be okay.