Trigger Warning: Death
Dear A,
Have I ever told you about my cousin who died when she was three years old? It was the 14th of January – Shakrayne: The festival of kites. She was up on the roof, where she shouldn’t have been, trying to catch a kite, she shouldn’t have been trying to catch, and she was alone. When she fell off the roof, they rushed her to the hospital but they were too late. There was too much bleeding, too little time, too little a body. For a long time, I didn’t know about her. No one in the family talked about it. But even now, when I have heard this a hundred times already, my mother can’t stop crying when she talks about her. My mother tells me, people love their first born children differently because it’s the first child you ever held. You watch their first steps, their first words and watch their first – everything!
I have a different hypothesis though. I call it the “First Baby” feelings. It doesn’t have to be your own child for you to love a child, you know? Any baby, the first baby you have seen in your life, takes a special spot in your heart. That is your first baby. I think my cousin was my mother’s first baby, at least those three years she graced this earth. I know that you know that feeling. You saw your cousin as your first baby too, right?
But lately I have been thinking about my aunt. In all these years A, she has never brought up my cousin’s name. It was her first born child. It was her first baby. It must be so incredibly hard for her. You know A, I look at your mother and I see so many people reaching out to her and I feel so guilty. I never reached out to my aunt. I understood her pain, but I never offered to talk about it. Even after you passed away, I have been so self involved in my own sadness, I have failed to see the pain in other people’s eyes. I wonder what will happen if I do bring it up to her. Do you think, she would like to talk about my cousin. Or would I attacking an old wound that doesn’t heal? I don’t know A.
You know, I have a first baby too! He is the most beautiful baby in this world. A, I can’t even imagine anything happening to him. I don’t know how your mother does it, or how my mother does it, or my aunt or any parents/ guardian – how can they let a tiny person hold so much of their love? How can they sleep without fear that something bad will happen? How can they protect a baby against their own fears and negativity without being overprotective? And how can they live when that baby is gone? A, that baby is my heart. I never knew how much love my heart can hold. My grandfather used to say, that love increases vertically. You love your kids more than you love your parents. I never understood that, until now. I love my parents, my family, but that baby is so special. But you already know that, don’t you A. After all you had your first baby too.
Did you think about him A? Did your heart expand and hurt while you thought of him. Did you think this world wouldn’t be a better place without you for him? That there is this form of love only you can give him? I know, you know everything A. But this time, listen. Sometimes you gotta live because someone is relying on you. Because there are so many firsts you still needed to see. Because there are so many moments you needed to be present for.
Hey A, I have another brilliant idea. Why don’t you look out for my cousin up there, and I’ll look out for your first baby! And someday, when we meet again, we can exchange and relive those moments? You’ll do that for me, won’t you A? You know I will.
Love,
Amar Shobdo 