Harbor

When I was younger, I would ask Allah for very specific things, thinking the path to happiness is linear, as if certain things would make or break the thread that guided me to a sanctuary. But as I have grown older, I have learned that happiness is both like the sound and light wave. Sometimes it flows straight and other times it winds before it takes you where you wish to go. Lately my prayers sound a lot like this –

Allah please grant me peace in whichever way or form that would benefit me the most. Allah, please grant my heart a harbor, and I’ll learn to make it my home.

15 Seconds Since You Have Let Go

Dear A,

Fall is here. Soon it will be winter again. This will be my third winter without you. You know, time doesn’t fly; it gallops. Every time it thuds it’s hooves, a million stories go by that you will never know.

Once, my younger brother had said to me, “In a few years I’ll be older than you.” I told him that in a few years I’ll be older too and so he will never be older than me. I thought he was naive. But I think now, it was me who didn’t know. This winter I will become older than you. I will live to celebrate a birthday you never saw. I will go on to reach milestones you never reached. Do you hear the hooves of time, thumping, rushing forward, marching me to a place I didn’t know existed?

You know, I have a car now. A beautiful red car. Sometimes, when I am driving I think of you. Would you have liked driving? I guess we will never know. Do you remember I taught you how to ride a bicycle once? I recall I couldn’t believe that you didn’t know how to ride one. So I marched you downstairs and made you sit on my pink, bunny bicycle. I remember you looked around to check for training wheels and realized there weren’t any. But I told you, remember? I got your back! I steadied the bicycle as you learned to paddle. I ran across the street, holding it from the back so you wouldn’t fall down. And we laughed. We laughed when you bicycled by yourself for 15 seconds straight. Even when we were young, we knew when to take our victories. I think time has taken our ability to take our victories over the mundane things.

I have a copy of a cover song you did of, “Hey there Delilah.” Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes when I need to hear you talk, I play the cover you sang. I swear it feels like you are talking again. I had forgotten how you sound… until I heard you sing. Time is galloping again, A. I cant’t hear you over this thudding anymore. Time is a taking me further away from who we were.

I miss the comfort of friendship. You know, its funny that I thought all those years ago that I was holding you steady. A, you never told me, you were holding me too. You were my training wheels, teaching me how to paddle through life. You left a while ago, but this sure feels a lot longer than 15 seconds.

Tell me A, how am I doing? Am I falling down and I have yet to see it? Or am I learning to go on without you?