Things I never got around to asking

I always thought we had time to learn the mundane things. After all friendship such as ours muddled through the depths of our souls. I thought we would always have time to know the simple things about each other. May be by the time we would have been old, we would have finally gotten around to ask the stupid stuffs.

Now as your first death anniversary nears, I can’t help but wonder who would answer these unanswered stupid questions of mine?

Hey, what’s your favorite color? I recently heard from someone it is green. Is that true? How can I know so much and so little all at once? What’s your favorite city? Your mother told me that you used to say New York was your favorite city. Do you know I always wanted to go there. But now, I don’t think I have the courage to enter the city in which you have chosen to die. I have heard some of your friends went to the Central Park. I don’t think I can do that because I don’t think I’ll get closure there. I have never seen the Central Park lake and yet when I close my eyes at night I can see you struggling to take your last breath there. How is it possible that I know a place so intimately, a place I have never been to before?

Hey did you like staying here? Did you plan to go back to Bangladesh? Did you change your major? I remember you told me you wanted to change your major. Did you end up doing it?

You said you’ll see me on your next spring break. Hey, if you were alive, would you have come to see me? I really wanted to see you. I never asked you to come and see me before. You see, before last year I didn’t have a place I could call my own. But last year, I finally had a home. Of sorts. And I wanted to see you so bad, talk to you face to face. I wanted to hold your hands and say thank you for giving me hope.

Hey, did you ever you blame me? Was there anything you wanted me to do for you? I never told you this before, but you were the one of the two people in this world I would have done anything for. The other day when I told your mother this she asked me why I never said that to you. I couldn’t tell her then that I didn’t have a contingency plan for our friendship. I didn’t know there was a time limit. I didn’t know I would never get to say goodbye. I’ll always miss you. Know that, okay?

Your mother says it’s okay to talk to you even though you are not here. So these days that’s what I do. Hey, is that okay? Is it okay to not let go yet?